


Fantasy Olive Garden Date Night

by orphan_account



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Date Night, Dirty Talk, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Inappropriate Use of Mage Hand, M/M, Multi, Public Blow Jobs, Public Hand Jobs, Public Sex, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-17 02:46:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11266332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Taako finally puts his Unlimited Pasta Pass to good use. Magnus and Kravitz get off in the Fantasy Olive Garden. Jimothy catches on to these shenanigans but politely says nothing.





	Fantasy Olive Garden Date Night

**Author's Note:**

> As always, Taako and Magnus are trans dudes and Kravitz is a goober and they're all in love. This is actually mostly dialogue with a little bit of porn thrown in so if that's your thing you're in luck.

Kravitz is out on a job when his Stone of Farspeech crackles to life. The necromancer kneeling in front of him, pleading for mercy, goes quiet and gives him a quizzical look as Taako’s voice comes through, loud and clear.

“Krav, homie, get ready ‘cause tonight I’m busting out the Unlimited Pasta Pass. That’s right, you, me, and Mags are going to Fantasy fuckin’ Olive Garden, baby!”

If Kravitz had been wearing his skin, it would have evaporated from sheer rage and embarrassment. However, he was already down to just bones, and so the now-laughing necromancer can’t see how embarrassed he is. After he’s swung his scythe and collected the wanted soul, he realizes he was in such a tizzy he didn’t read the newly deceased all of his rights. Oh well. There are no ghost lawyers in the Astral Plane, and he _is_ the criminal justice system. So it’s probably fine. 

\---

The last time Magnus was in a Fantasy Olive Garden was Raven’s Roost, before the rebellion. He didn’t have any good or bad memories of it- he hadn’t gone with Julia or Steven, just a gentleman who wanted to talk to him about making chairs for his entire secret organization. He wanted them to be rocking chairs that looked like skeletons and have at least one blood smear on each (at least one inch long, no width requirements, no specified blood source). He had politely declined, but only after being told that the pay was, ‘a currency you can only use between the hours of midnight and two under the light of the blood moon.’ If he was nothing else at that time, Magnus was a man who liked to be in bed by eleven.

Taako had told him about it over breakfast- how he’d had the pass long enough and it was time to finally use that damn thing. Now Magnus is sitting in the common room while Taako tries on different shirts.

“I gotta find something both chic and spacious. It’s a good thing you already said you love me because you’re gonna see cha’boy eat a truly _horrendous_ amount of carbs tonight.”

“You know carbs are my secret kink! Geez, Taako, how am I supposed to focus on my unlimited breadsticks if I’m rock hard the entire time from you choking down bowls of fettuccini alfredo? Think about other people for once, you selfish ass.”

Taako is doubled over laughing. “Listen, bubala, I’ll suck your dick in Fantasy Olive Garden, but I’m using their salad dressing for flavored lube.”

Magnus’ face scrunches up just thinking about it. “You know what? I’ll find a way to contain my incredible lust.”

“That’s all I could ever ask of you.”

Before Magnus can say anything else, there’s a ripping noise as Kravitz appears through a hole torn in space-time by his scythe. 

“You know, I was in the middle of a reaping.” He says, looking exasperatedly at Taako. 

“Well now you have a super jealous soul prisoner who wishes they were going out with two fine pieces of ass to the eff-oh-gee.” Kravitz raises an eyebrow. “Fantasy Olive Garden, come on, dude! You two boners are so uncultured sometimes, I swear.”

“You young people and your abbreviations. When I was alive and your age, we just-“

“Carved things out of stone and grunted at each other and ate uncooked meat, we know. Now everybody shut up and get ready, we’re leaving in ten.”

Taako turns and goes into his room to rifle through his closet, and Kravitz looks at Magnus.

“You know I’m not _that_ old, right?”

\---

They end up leaving thirty minutes later because Taako couldn’t decide between two pairs of boots and then Magnus had to go to the bathroom and brush his teeth and Kravitz decided he didn’t want to wear his cloak to the restaurant after they were already out the door. 

Luckily, it’s a short walk to the new Fantasy Olive Garden location that just opened up on the moon. When they get there, there’s no wait- probably because it’s Tuesday night, and because there aren’t really enough BoB employees to fill up a whole Fantasy Olive Garden. Taako bats his eyelashes and poses and hints at threats of bodily harm to the hostess in order to get a seat in the quietest, most dimly-lit booth that’s not by the kitchen. 

The hostess has a look on her face like she knows Taako, or at least knows of him. She leads them to a booth of that description, a corner booth in an almost-empty section of the dining area. The table looks nice- there’s a white tablecloth with white cloth napkins wrapped around silverware at each place. 

Kravitz sits first, followed by Taako and then Magnus. It’s all one bench, so they’re sitting side-by-side behind the table, and Kravitz can feel Taako’s body heat radiating. It feels nice, the warmth.

Their waiter is a halfling who introduces himself as Jimothy and places a basket of breadsticks on the table. He goes over the day’s specials and offers to get everyone drinks. Kravitz orders a water, Magnus orders an ale, and Taako orders the cheapest bottle of red wine Fantasy Olive Garden has to offer. 

“Don’t be gauche,” says Kravitz as Jimothy writes everything down.

“It’s not called being _gauche_. It’s called _I’m going to eat an unlimited amount of pasta and I’m not wasting precious stomach space on some fancy-ass 200 gold piece bottle of wine_. If I wanted to experience gourmet bloating, I woulda gone to the Fantasy Cheesecake Factory.”

Kravitz rolls his eyes, and Magnus grabs his third breadstick of the evening, keeping quiet in favor of stuffing his face full of bread.

Jimothy has barely brought them their drinks before Taako leans over to Kravitz and whispers in his ear.

“I bet I can get you off before our food gets here.”

Kravitz chokes on the sip of water he was taking, and Magnus leans over from the other side of Taako.

“You okay, dude?”

“Fine,” he gasps, “absolutely smashing.” 

“Babe, your work accent’s showing.”

Kravitz shoots Taako a look, and Jimothy clears his throat.

“So, were you folks ready to order, or do you need a few more minutes?”

Taako flutters his eyelashes, and smiles. “We’ll need another minute or two, m’dude.”

As soon as the waiter turns away, Kravitz leans in and hisses, “We are in _public_ , and you are fucking _insatiable_. And we haven’t even _ordered_ our food yet! How is it supposed to get here if we don’t order it?!”

Magnus leans in with a mouth full of bread. “Wha’s hap’nin?”

“I’m offering to get Krav off out of the goodness of my heart, but he’s being a buzzkill. What about you? You want a beej?”

Magnus chokes on his mouthful of bread and Taako has to smack him on the back. 

“You seriously _are_ insatiable, dude. We’re at Fantasy Olive Garden! People don’t just fuck at Fantasy Olive Garden.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, my guy. People come here almost exclusively to fuck. It’s like, _the_ fuck spot. Carey and Killian bone in here every Wednesday. Listen, it’s all about the thrill, and nothing says adrenaline rush like getting fingered without Jimothy realizing. Plus, Krav _was_ just saying he wanted to spice things up a little…”

“I meant- I mean-“ He’s spluttering and wringing his hands and definitely blushing, though Taako can’t visibly tell.

“Well I for one am down. Magnus Burnsides never says no to a challenge!”

“See? Maggie’s in. C’mon, babe, live a little.”

“You do know I’m dead, right?”

“It’s a figure of speech, fuck!” Taako takes a breath. “Listen, if this isn’t something you’re comfortable with, that’s chill. You don’t have to do anything you don’t wanna.”

“No, it’s just-“ Kravitz is still twisting his fingers and making direct eye contact with the table. “What if we get caught?”

Taako laughs. “Dude, you’re literally the Grim Reaper! You’re a fucking bounty hunter for a _goddess_! What can Fantasy Olive Garden possibly do to you?”

Kravitz’s voice is low when he mumbles, “It’s just…. embarrassing. The thought of people- of _Jimothy_ , for My Lady’s sake- knowing that we… that you… you know…”

“You’re so cute when you’re worried people are gonna find out how incredible you are at sex.” Taako leans over and kisses Kravtiz’s cheek, and yeah, this close the blush on his face is obvious. And so is the tent in his slacks. Taako grins.

“You know,” he says in his lowest, sultriest voice, “I can take care of that for you. Would love to, in fact. You just gotta trust Taako on this.”

Kravitz opens his mouth to respond, but before he can get any words out, Jimothy is back.

“You folks know what you want?”

Without missing a beat, Taako turns to face the waiter and says, “Absolutely. I’ll have the shrimp scampi, this tall drink of water on my left will have the lasagna classico, and the hunk on my right’ll take the braised beef and tortellini.”

“Alrighty, we’ll have that right out! Need any more breadsticks or salad?”

“I think we’re good for right now, homie.”

As Jimothy walks away, Magnus looks at Taako.

“Why did you invite us if you’re just gonna order for us?”

“Are you telling me you DON’T want to eat beef on pasta filled with cheese? No? Then I think what you mean is ‘thank you’.

“Now, where was I? Oh yeah.”

With a snap of his fingers, Taako is gone. Suddenly, Kravitz feels hands on his thighs, and jumps. 

“Taako, what in the world-“

The voice from under the table says, “Spell’s called Blink, homie. Now, can I _please_ suck you off? I promise I’ll make it quick.”

Magnus scoots closer to Kravitz, taking Taako’s spot. 

“It _would_ be super hot to watch you try and keep your cool while Taako blows you. Just saying.”

Kravitz closes his eyes and breathes out through his nose.

“Fine. But be quiet, and make it quick.”

“Sweetest thing you ever said to me.” 

Kravitz scoots his hips forward to make things easier for Taako, and sees two hands reach out from under the tablecloth, unbuckling his belt and slowly, slowly unbuttoning his pants. Most of Taako is under the tablecloth, and so is Kravitz’s crotch, so every touch is a surprise. Taako palms him gently through his underwear for a minute, and then guides his dick out through the fly of his boxers. Taako wraps his fingers around him and strokes him slowly and teasingly until Kravitz slides a hand under the tablecloth and tugs Taako’s hair. 

He gets the hint, and Kravitz sucks in a breath as he feels Taako’s hot, wet mouth wrap around the head of his cock. Magnus is running a big, warm hand up and down Kravitz’s thigh, and he shivers. 

Taako presses his tongue against his frenulum and hums, and Kravitz has to grab the edge of the table. He feels that hum through his whole body and has to grit his teeth to keep quiet. Then Taako is licking his way down his dick, kissing and sucking and testing the limits of Kravitz’s self-control. Magnus is still kneading his thigh and keeps leaning in to tell him how good he looks, or how he wishes it was him under the table making him feel so good. 

Taako is being sloppy- Kravitz can feel a glob of saliva running down the underside of his dick, and gods, but he wishes he could be watching this. Especially when Taako starts taking him deeper and deeper and Kravitz can feel his throat around him. Taako starts moving, slowly, and he barely manages to hold back a moan. Magnus’ hand tightens on his upper thigh. It takes every ounce of self-control Kravitz has to just sit there and let Taako deepthroat him at his own speed- Kravitz would die a second time just to be able to thrust his hips, but he _can’t_ , oh, _gods_ why did he agree to this.

“You look really, really hot right now. Just FYI.” Magnus is whispering in his ear, and Kravitz feels like he might just evaporate at any second. Then- oh, then- Taako slides a hand between his legs and cups his balls and starts oh-so-gently fondling them and _swallows around him_ and Kravitz cums down his throat suddenly and with a groan that he can’t stifle in time.

“Sir, are you okay?”

Kravitz looks up from where he’s gripping the edge of the table to see Jimothy standing there with a pitcher of water. He tries to catch his breath, and feels his entire face getting redder and redder.

“Yes, I’m… quite fine, thank you, just… mmm, banged my knee on the table. Very painful, but I- ah!” Taako, the fucking asshole, is licking him clean, slowly, methodically, painstakingly, and Kravitz wants to crawl under the table and kill him. “I’m excellent, Jimothy, thank you, yes, I’d love a water refill.”

As soon as Jimothy is gone, Kravitz yanks up the tablecloth only to find no one there. With a pop, Taako is on Magnus’ lap looking pleased with himself. He makes eye contact with Kravitz and licks his lips.

“See? Wasn’t that fun? Now get out of my seat, Magnus.”

“You’re an arse,” Kravitz gasps, accent out in full.

“You’re welcome.” Taako gives him a peck on the lips, and settles back into his seat as Magnus scoots out of the way. 

“That was hot,” says Magnus quietly, and Taako leans up against him.

“You wanna go next? I’ll jerk you off, and you’ll come before our food does. That’s the Taako guarantee.”

“You know what? I’ll take you up on that. Let’s do it.” 

Before his sentence is completely out of his mouth, Magnus feels something tugging at the laces in his pants, but both of Taako’s hands are on the table.  
“What are you-“

“Mage Hand,” Taako whispers back, and props his chin up on one hand. Magnus feels the ghostly hand undoing the laces and a brush of cool, tingly magic against his skin has him feeling like he’s been electrified.

He has the good sense to mimic Kravitz and scoot forward a little so the tablecloth provides a little more privacy. Taako laughs a little, and curls his fingers. Magnus can feel the ghostly hand sliding under his pants, over the dark thatch of hair between his thighs, and to his cock. He’s hard- he’s been hard since Kravitz started whimpering as Taako sucked him off. The spell-hand drags two fingers over his hole to gather up some of his wetness, and then it starts stroking him. 

The forefinger is curved under his cock and the thumb covers the top. It’s stroking him, using his own precum as lube, going teasingly slowly. He doesn’t realize he’s making a fist until Taako puts a hand over it and strokes the back of his hand with his thumb.

“Better h-hurry up,” he huffs out, “or the food’s gonna get here and you’re gonna- ah- owe me ten gold pieces.”

“That wasn’t the deal and you know it, sugar.” Taako purrs, and the hand under the table speeds up. “But Taako ain’t losing this bet.”

Taako leans in to Magnus and kisses his neck just as the spell-hand runs its thumb right over the head of his cock and, as Taako pulls away from his neck, he whispers, “Come for me.”

Magnus does. Both hands are in fists, and his knuckles are white. He bites his bottom lip and shudders, but manages to stay quiet. When he opens his eyes- he didn’t realize he’d shut them- he can see Jimothy headed their way with plates and a new basket of bread. 

“That’ll be ten gold, my dude,” says Taako, cool as a cucumber. 

“I thought that wasn’t the deal!”

“What can I say, you had a good idea and Taako’s just capitalizing on it.”

It’s hard for Magnus to stay mad at Taako when he’s just gotten off and there’s a heaping plate of meat, cheese, and carbs in front of him. Kravitz seems to be in the same boat, tearing into his plate with the enthusiasm of a man who just got a blowjob. Magnus has never thought to ask him how eating works- Kravitz likes and eats food, he knows that, but he’s not sure what the digestion process is like since he’s technically dead. At any rate, it’s not dinner conversation, so Magnus stays quiet.

The rest of the meal passes without incident- Taako eats three-and-a-quarter enormous plates of various pastas before throwing in the towel. Kravitz finishes his plate of lasagna, wipes his mouth daintily, and sits back to watch Taako devour his meal like a buzzard descending upon carrion. Magnus has been shoving in breadsticks since they sat down, and keeps trying to steal pieces of shrimp from Taako’s plate and getting his hand smacked away. By the time Jimothy comes with the bill, they’re all three tipsy and uncomfortably full. Taako kisses his Unlimited Pasta Pass and puts it on the table. On their way out, Kravitz leaves a tip of 100 gold (which, he reasons, includes damages for pain and suffering on the part of poor Jimothy, who for sure knows at least some of what was going on). 

Kravitz uses his scythe to get them back to Taako’s room, where they collapse in a giggly heap on Taako’s bed, Kravitz in the middle. He snuggles into the two of them, sleepily soaking up their warmth. Magnus leans over to kiss Kravitz first, then Taako. 

“That was fun! Thanks for tonight.”

“Mmm,” Taako groans. “Tonight’s not over yet, bubala. You and Krav are gonna raw me good right after we take a carb nap.”

“I’ve heard that one before. ‘Oh, Krav, we’re gonna do it super hard right after I sleep off all those Fantasy Oreos.’ You watch, Magnus, he’ll sleep ‘til noon tomorrow.”

“Shut up,” Taako mumbles, and he’s already half-asleep. Magnus and Kravitz laugh, and both move closer to Taako. They fall asleep like that, pressed together, full of free pasta and cheap wine, and it’s the perfect end to a perfect date.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I love hearing from you and I treasure every comment.


End file.
